Hiding My Anxiety

Good afternoon,

I just wanted to remind you that I am just another girl sharing my story because for the longest time I thought I was all alone, that I was the only one fighting something I thought was out of my control. But I have learned that I am not and that it may not be easy but you, too, can find happiness. I have finally realized that for many years I was running away from the things I was feeling, the things I was experiencing, avoiding them, hoping they weren’t real. But they were very real. And I was making them worse by ignoring all the signs. It’s time to stop hiding and start fighting, whatever battle you may be fighting, keep going. I do every day and no, it’s not easy. DSC01401_edited

Constant fretting led me to pick/bit my nails. It was/still is a way for me to cope through the perpetual thoughts running wild in my mind. Every night I tried to hide the marks left behind by taking my nail polish off, filing my nails so perfect, painting them again, loading on the lotion, and then band-aiding every finger. Then next morning I’d take every Band-Aid off and hoped my nails looked normal. But then every night I would repeat the process. Yes, its extremely hard to stop a bad habit that you’ve been doing your whole life but every day is a new chance to stop, to start a healthier way of life. DSC01409

My boyfriend would ask me how I slept. Sometimes I would tell him the truth, but most of the time I just shrugged it off with a “good”. I didn’t want him to think that every night I lie awake, unable to cease the thoughts, unable to relax after the things my own dreams had shown me, unable to control my emotions. Thanks, to sleepy time tea and some positive thoughts about my day and accomplishments before bed I seem to be sleeping more. I also have started to do some yoga, no social media in bed, no t.v. an hour before bed. All of these things trigger relaxation and calmness. The positive thinking helps to relieve the stress.

In the sixth grade everyday for the first three months I called my mom to pick me up for a stomach ache. I was worried I was going to be late, that I didn’t study enough for a quiz, or I was going to eat lunch alone. She picked me up one day and scolded me, “Stop fretting you’re going to give yourself an ulcer!” I constantly wished it was that easy. She asked me if I wanted to go back to therapy. I wished I had because I never really stopped struggling, I just coped.  DSC01414_edited

So for many years I went through all the extra time and stress hiding my anxiety not only from everybody else but from myself as well. It was interesting because a couple of nights ago I came home from work and my mom had suggested medical marijuana might help me relax and help with my anxiety. I shot her down real quick! Not because I oppose medical marijuana, but because I was tired of hiding it! Why would I take something that would mask my issues from me. No, I wanted to face it head on! This isn’t something physical that I had no control over. This was mental, that can only be helped mentally.

I try day in and out to not let my mistakes define who I am. I try every day to not let other people’s words effect  how I feel. I try to not be everybody’s cup of tea because I am only human. Every day I am working towards being me for only me.

As always thanks for reading! You’re exceptionally gorgeous or extraordinarily handsome. You are incredible the way you are. Stop hiding and start fighting, whatever the battle may be. You’re an inspiration to someone out there and you have a purpose! Have a fabulous day! I love you! DSC01400

Love,

Manda 🙂

Link for yoga poses!

1 Comment

  1. Carla Ruth Lloyd

    November 22, 2015 at 12:09 PM

    I’m so proud of you. Always be true to yourself.

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