We all have inner battles, at least at some point in our lives. Some even say they are our inner demons. You could battle the will to get out of bed. You could battle that urge to put on that extra layer of mascara to feel prettier. You could be battling the constant voices in your head. Battle the urge for one more cigarette. What you would do for one more beer. Because under the covers, under the mascara, behind the voices, on the other side of the cigarette and beer is the real you. Isn’t the inner demon really you for hiding behind all those things? What made you hate the real you so much? If your inner battle is anxiety than you and me have a lot in common.
You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it. – Margret Thatcher
Anxiety is the feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. Hold up before you say “That’s me!” I believe that anyone can say they have anxiety. My mom tried to tell me that she has anxiety about being embarrassed. Yes she could have anxiety but her worry of embarrassment doesn’t control her ever action and it most certainly doesn’t take of a life of it’s own. The definition I like better is: a nervous disorder characterized by the a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks. The key word is excessive! Any one can be worried, but who is excessively or constantly worried? People with true anxiety. My mom always told me “Just get over it”, but I couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling…ever. It constantly hovered over me. Some where in the back of my mind I knew I had anxiety but the thought of dealing with it was like unraveling years of hidden feelings. A part of me needed to for my well being and health. In my psychology class last semester we learned that when you have anxiety your body stays in a constant fight or flight mode. Which triggers adrenaline. When your body is using adrenaline it uses up your blood sugar and increases your heart beat. What do you know? Two years ago I almost fainted in class and I was so shaky I couldn’t focus at school. I went to get tested for Type 1 Diabetes. I didn’t have Diabetes, but I did have high blood sugar and high cholesterol. My doctor was worried because I wasn’t over weight and our lifestyle wasn’t unhealthy so these levels were abnormal.
Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into your wounds to discover where your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin. – Tori Amos
Last year my anxiety was extremely bad. The things I was worried about didn’t even matter on a day to day basis. I can remember one time when I had a really bad anxiety attack. I was out driving with my mom and suddenly I had this terrible fear of getting in a car accident. Every turn she made or every car that passed us I would gasp loudly. I started hyper ventilating; I looked over to my mom, “I cannot breath.” It was like an elephant was sitting on my chest. When I start to get upset Garrett always says, “Breath, Manda “. So I took a deep breath in my nose, held it for 5 seconds, the out my mouth.
The OCD kicked in, too. Everything had it’s place. Everything was neat. If I just cleaned it don’t you dare touch it. The germ feeling was horrible. I had to hold back from touching things at public places because then I could feel the germs crawling up me. Every where I went I put hand sanitizer on. My dreams were always extremely vivid, too. Sometimes they would repeat. People have vivid dreams but mine were every night, two or three times a night.
Sometimes anxiety comes with depression. I didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere. This was the hardest thing to shake off. Garrett called and invited me to dinner. I said no. He started begging and I barked, “No! I’m not going to come over and fake a smile in front of your family.” It was hard enough doing it to everyone else. But when I did go out my hair was perfect, my outfit was straight off Pinterest, and my make-up was a mile high. There was no way I was going out looking like a hobo. What would people say about me? And that always seemed to be a concern for me.
The hardest battle you will ever have to fight is between who you are now and who you want to be. – Anonymous
Do I still worry about it now. Of course, it’s natural to worry what others think of you but I doesn’t control me anymore. Some days are worse than others we all have insecurities. The best thing I did to fight it was dig deep in my inner core, where did this stem from? What made you feel this way? What made you, your own demon? What distracted you from the beauty around you? No one can dictate how you feel. No one can make you feel less than your real worth. No one can make my battles any more than they already are, but no one can make them any less either. It was all about what I could do for myself. And for me that was cleansing myself of all the negativity. I am only human. I choose not to hind behind my fears anymore. What can you do for yourself? We are all only human. Our books will be made of mistakes, don’t make the same mistake over and over again, that my friend is the worst mistake. My anxiety has made me who I am, for the better. It has also taught me a great deal about the world and why each individual operates the way they do.
You are amazing, beautiful, and an inspiration. Go and seek what the world has to offer you!